Are You Annoying? ©Connie Sitterly The information contained in these responses should not be considered legal advice. Consult an attorney if you have any legal questions.

Dear Workplace Doctor,  

I quit my job last week because my coworkers were impossible to get along with. I never understood what I did to them, but the final blow occurred when Jane, one of my team members yelled "you are so annoying!" at me in front of everyone in the office. I thought it better to find another job than to work with her. How could I be annoying?

Anne F.

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Dear Anne,

The best person to tell you how you annoyed Jane is Jane. In the future, ask, and be ready to listen. When someone gives us feedback that does not fit our self-image, initially we may be too startled to ask for more information or for examples. When possible, ask your critic, "tell me more about that- what do I do that leads you to believe that.' Or ask, "help me understand; can you tell me why....." The next challenge is to listen without defending, blaming, arguing, or justifying. 

Without more specific details regarding your interactions with co-workers, I will offer a few general tips to provide warning signs, responses, and actions that may annoy co-workers. 

Co-workers, depending on their style, may provide a warning sign such as withdraw, ignore or exclude, talk about someone instead of to them, develop a nervous mannerism, or avoid eye contact. 

When you recognize the warning signs, you have at three basic response choices. One, avoid. If you avoid, the situation will likely continue and escalate. Two, accept. If you accept, your self-esteem may fall a few notches. Three, confront. If you confront and discuss, you may gain valuable feedback and actually strengthen your relationship. How you respond depends on a multitude of factors- the dynamics of the situation, the other person's style and your style and willingness to receive and share feedback, ask questions, and take next step actions. 

Although each person is unique, there are some actions that typically annoy co-workers. Can you recall situations when your co-workers disrupted your work, wasted your time, or created unpleasant feelings? Arrogance, arguing, using inappropriate authority, going along/deferring, seeming vague, needing reminders or not fulfilling commitments, excessively interrupting, or setting unrealistic expectations are annoying. 

There are countless ways to annoy co-workers; from talking loud in an open work area, smacking gum, poor grammar, gossiping. What annoys you? What can you learn from your past situations? What friend or co-worker could be candid with you and offer feedback? Are you coachable- open and willing to listen, ask, and act? 

Once a young engineer asked a secretary for a date. She declined. He asked her 'why not?' She said because , 'your hair is greasy, you must not brush your teeth, your clothes are wrinkled and look 20 years old and you smell bad. But you're a nice, smart guy. ' He asked, 'will you help me? I don't know any other way. My whole family is this way." She agreed and helped him select new clothes, coached him on grooming and hygiene, and they became good friends in the process.

He must have appreciated it, because a few years later, he sent her thank you note with a check for $10,000* saying if it hadn't been for her he likely would not be President of a company and happily married to a very successful woman. 

(*She returned the check) My point isn't that people are annoying because they smell bad or their hair is greasy- it's sometimes seizing an opportunity to learn can provide opportunities to learn lessons.

We may not like the feedback we get, or how it's stated, or sometimes even the person who shares it. The question is: Is there anything we can learn from it, a nugget of truth? If so, listen and learn from the lesson, if not, let it go. The lessons will likely reoccur until we do learn them.

The Workplace Dr. ^TM